Last night I got a fortune cookie that reads, "You have handled your responsibilities competently."
This is a fortune cookie, not a performance review, and yet it could not be written in less inspiring prose. Would it have been too much to ask of a non-binding, supposedly pleasure-inducing document for it to have gone out on a limb and suggested that I had handled my responsibilities splendidly? "Competently?!"
Stung, I replied, writing on the back of the fortune, "Your taste was somewhat different than cardboard," and stuffed it back in the remaining half. "Competently." As if a fortune cookie would have a clue.
R World (Ron Davison muses aloud)
"Welcome to Shady Acres retirement home, thank you for living a commendable life. Please enjoy this cookie as a token of our appreciation."
ReplyDelete-I, for one, am glad you gave that cookie a piece of your mind.
From: The Legal Department
ReplyDeleteTo: RWorld
Dear Sir,
We reject your implication that we believe you have handled your responsibilites competently!
Also, we are reviewing your comparison of our delicious product to mere "cardboard".
Perhaps these actions fit neatly into the fiction of your life, but you should know that we do not state unqualified conclusions under any circumstances, nor do we overlook any potential opportunity for damages no matter how trifling the evidence may seem.
We are consulting with Dave, Esq., of the firm Rather Than Working, LLP, to determine the amount we will be suing you for.
See you in court, Mr. RWorld.
Legal Department
The "Not Like Cardboard" Fortune Cookie Co., Inc.
Lifehiker trumps anything I could possibly think to write. I shall sit this one out. Glad you told the cookie off though.
ReplyDeleteVery funny.
ReplyDeleteScott,
ReplyDeletethank you for commending my talking back to the inanimate object.
LH,
I don't know whetehr to applaud your genius or point out that it borders on the rude to so clearly trump the blog authors efforts in a mere comment.
Milena,
Indeed (what you said about LH).
HRH,
Thanks - not even close to your illustrated story, though. Not even close.
Oh, I'm not funny enough to comment after LH but I agree, competent is not the superlative that any of us are looking for. Maybe the Cardboard Cookie Company tend towards understatement. No cookies should be too tasty, no fortune too glowing as they have decided that offering complete customer satisfaction in only one portion discourages repeat attempts to unwind a better bit of praise and perhaps a better cookie.
ReplyDeleteLOL
ReplyDeleteListening to a recent NPR story on how fortunes are written for fortune cookies, I learned that the main criteria for success when writing fortunes is to not generate any complaints.
ReplyDeleteJust be glad your fortune cookie did not say:
ReplyDelete"that was not chicken."