Headlines I'd Like to See for Pope's Visit to US

Pope visits White House gift shop: passes on "I Slept in the Lincoln Bedroom" t-shirt and buys Supreme Court Justice souvenir robe instead

Pope visits NY, is kicked out of performance of Book of Mormon for laughing too loudly and shouting, "19 Year Old Proselytizers! Damn that Joseph Smith!"

Pope spokesperson apologizes for pope's behavior next day. Says pope was still confused that something as innocently named as a "hoppy ale" could be so disorienting.

Pope visits Philadelphia and adds his signature to Declaration of Independence. Shouts, "Down w/ the Church of England! Damn that King Henry!"

Pope spokesperson apologizes for pope's behavior next day. Says pope is sleeping off his first Cheese Steak and Hard Cider, still confused that a cider could be so disorienting

Pope weary of Explaining that He Was Not Referring to Doris Day in His Speech to Congress, snaps at reporter

Pope misquotes Yogi Berra in New York: Hell? Nobody Goes There anymore. It's Too Crowded.

Pope, driving Fiat, is pulled over by a New York cop for driving onto sidewalks, pulling up beside frightened hot dog vendors and shouting, "Is this the drive up window? Could you make me one with everything?" before turning to reporters to confess, "I stole that joke from the Dalai Lama." 

Pope spokesperson holds press conference to apologize for pope's behavior next day. After scanning sea of reporters, folds his notes, sighs, and just walks to the back of the room to help himself to a hard cider.