Well It Seemed Funny at the Time

 "He’s the kind of guy who’ll pee on your leg and call it trickle-down economics."

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"I'm cooking, Jerome! You said this hike would be shady!"

"Shady? No, I said this hike is hotter than Hades."

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What are the odds that Miss Universe actually is?

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I’m so tired of Southern California being overrun with illegals. You see them everywhere—on the freeway, where the speed limit is clearly 65 mph, and yet at least a third of the cars are driving faster than that! Illegals... shamelessly speeding in plain sight.

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They keep saying the stock market is booming, but I'm not convinced— the S&P has been stuck at 500 for so long that it's now reached the point of absurdity.

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Manny Machado.
Is there a name with a higher testosterone count?

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I've defined a new kind of economic cycle: Buliminomics.

In Buliminomics the economy undergoes a binge (excessive spending, often fueled by borrowing or credit) followed by a "purge" phase (where consumers cut back on spending to manage or pay off debt), before returning to another cycle of splurge.

Buliminomics: the splurge and purge that leads to dangerous economic excess.

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My economic plan is bold, visionary, and - with a positive attitude - achievable: get everyone into the top 1%. Because even the average person deserves to be better than average.

"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some... well, they vote for me."

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I get that the label "all natural" helps sell products, but honestly, if I saw something labeled “10% supernatural,” I’d probably buy it—at least once.

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Sobering to think that I’ve reached an age where if I say, “I’m literally dying,” people really would take me literally. Which is kind of ironic.

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But enough about me, he said. Now I'd like to tell you about my hobbies.

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"I was really surprised that our relationship didn't work out," he said.

"Oh? Why was that," I asked.

"Well we were both Geminis. I felt like we would totally understand each other. I mean, I've been reading her horoscope every day for years."

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It is all well and good to dream big but a chicken who never accepts the fact that he can't fly is just going to create a lot of squawking and mad flailing of wings and rob the whole barnyard of peace.

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Sitting in Costco with 3 vaccinations freshly coursing through my veins wondering if medieval peasants would be more amazed by immunizations against plagues or a vast building with stacks of food 20+ feet high in every direction.

And progress isn't even done yet.

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All this talk about “utopia,” but what he really meant was “me-topia”

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After a few too many drinks, he tried to say he was a policy analyst, but what came out was "Pollyanna-ish." Given what we'd heard from him all night, it seemed like an apt confession.

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He woke up confused, having slept in latte and hastily splashed pumpkin spice cologne on his face. Fall always left him feeling a little disoriented.

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“The best material model for a cat is another, or preferably the same cat.”

- Norbert Wiener

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He was really excited to hear that the Fed was planning a hate cut ... until someone corrected him to point out that they were actually talking about a rate cut ... which somehow seemed less imperative to him.

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In 2025, Pluto goes into the public domain. In 2028, Goofy does.

I'm looking forward to a heartwarming story in about 2030 in which Pluto and Goofy look at each other soberly and Goofy says, "I don't know why we go through this charade. You're his pet and I'm his friend and nobody can explain why he treats us so differently and we pretend to be so happy about it. This has to stop. Either you join us at the dinner table or I join you at the doggy dish but we have to stop letting a manipulative mouse come between us like this."

It'll be a heartwarming story about rising above the scripts we've been handed and living life as our true self, of treating others as equals.

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Waiter or waitress has always connotated waiting. I think there was a time in history when it referred to the server waiting on the diner and not the diner waiting on the server. But I'm not sure. I'll wait for you to look that up.

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I'm going to call my AI model "elves on the Internet" and cater to the market of folks too savvy to fall for the notion that so-called algorithms are sufficient to generate such results.

I expect that I'll capture nearly half the market.

If you would like to be an early investor, there are two options:

1. Invest $100k into the startup.

2. Provide job references for at least 2 elves.

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I have strong opinions about everything. Except, you know, strong opinions. I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing to have so many strong opinions.

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John Gray points out that Freud wasn't intent on transforming people or their potential or sense of self. Freud stated, “the goal of psychoanalysis is to turn neurotic misery into ordinary unhappiness.”

Probably harder to sell as a promise but ordinary unhappiness does sound like an attainable goal.

What are your goals for 2025, Fred?

I'd like ordinary unhappiness for a change.

Oh, well good luck with that.

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The promise of social security seemed both noble and absurd to him… until he discovered it was just about monthly payments, and had nothing to do with alleviating social anxiety or tackling the tougher issues of status, acceptance, or belonging.