15 December 2015

Lines I Wish I Had Heard in Tonight's GOP Debate

Moderator: Donald Trump, you say that America doesn't win at anything anymore. Have you heard of Charlie Sheen? He's winning.
Donald Trump: I have. And that's why I'm naming Charlie Sheen as my running mate.'

Moderator: Why is it you hate terrorists so much?
GOP Candidate: Because people get us confused. We are the terroizers whose job it is to assure you that you should not feel safe and should vote for us to protect you. They're the terrorists. We're the terrorizers. They make you unsafe. We make you feel unsafe. There is a very real difference.

Moderator: Speaking of foreign policy, what about the Trans-Pacific Partnership, an agreement we have with 11 other Pacific Rim countries that will, among other things, eliminate more than 18,000 taxes and trade barriers? What do you think about that?
GOP Candidate (any GOP candidate): A response (any response).

Moderator: Speaking of foreign policy, what do you think is the right policy for dealing with Climate Change?
GOP Candidate (any GOP candidate): A response (any response).

Moderator: Governor Christie, you've expressed a willingness to go to war with Russia, Iran, and Syria in just the last 49 seconds. Why are you so angry?
Christie: Honestly? I'm so hungry I could punch a cow. I've had nothing but kale and tofu in the last 2 months. I'm starving.

Moderator: Senator Cruz, is there any particular reason you opted to pose like Napoleon during the opening song?
Cruz: Like Napoleon, I do think that we should export our revolution to other countries. Also, I think that can best be done by making me emperor.

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