Doug & Bob Host the Winter Olympics

Last week, we went to Whistler where the downhill events for the 2010 Winter Olympics will unfold. Shockingly, the road north from Vancouver is only two to four lanes. Think about it. Spectators from around the world all converging on these Olympic events and the road to it has one lane feeding into it. I can only imagine that parking lots in Beijing had more lanes feeding into them.

A family friend lives close to Whistler and she showed us the stage (they are still constructing? have constructed? hard to tell) that will be used for the awards ceremony. Canada does a lovely job of building parks around town and the next day I saw a little pavilion in an obscure park we frequently walk through when visiting my in-laws - a park that never seems to have more than about 4 people in it. This little pavilion seemed about as nice and as big as the Olympic medal stand in Whistler Village.

The folks around Vancouver can see through the hype to the big bill that comes with the event. They are, at best, seemingly ambivalent about it.

Someone needs to do a skit with Doug and Bob hosting the winter Olympics - the symbol of Canadians apparent disinterest in playing host.

Imagine Doug walking you through Whistler's Village, past the medals stand. "Yep, over there is a log you can stand on to get your medal. And, uh, when you're done we can go get a beer to celebrate, eh? And maybe by the time we've had a few beers, eh, all those people who were driving up to watch your event will be here. It's too bad your folks got stuck in traffic. They would have been real proud, yeah."

The Canadian Invasion

Right now, American troops are stretched thin. Many are in their third rotation in Iraq. Now, Bush is saber rattling again, suggesting an attack on Iran. Iraq’s population is about 25 million; Iran’s population is about 70 million. It doesn’t take a Ph.D. in math to conclude that after attacking Iran, American troops will be stretched thinner than Yul Brenner’s hair.

It is at that moment that our northern neighbors are likely to attack. Sure, Canadians are polite. Or at least they appear that way. They patiently waited about 200 years for independence from Britain, a bloodless event handled with such deference that they left the queen's portrait on their money. Was that polite? Sure, but it was also crafty.

One can only speculate about how long they’ve been waiting for this opportunity to invade. It is well known that Canadians envy our balmy weather and broad freeways. They've been scouting our assets for decades, coming south in motor homes and in tour buses. Once our troops are committed to multiple countries in the Middle East, our own borders will be left vulnerable. It is at that moment that their troops will roll across our border unopposed.

I admit that I have no data to support this accusation, but reliance on data is so quaint. I do have a gut feeling. Those polite Canadians: sitting peacefully on our northern border for hundreds of years only to lull us into a sense of false security. How devious. How shameless. How brilliant.