07 April 2009

My Degree Has Been Recalled (or, the perils of blogging)

As I read the letter, icy fear gripped me. My hands were cold and clammy by the time I was done. It was from my alma mater. And I quote.

We are issuing a recall notice for your degree.

You may know that in this economic downturn, it is becoming increasingly difficult to attract students able to pay tuition. For this and other reasons, we are making a concerted effort to improve our image. We are appealing to graduates for donations, focusing our research money on projects we think are more likely to bring prestige to the institution and we are instituting a quality control program.

We have read your blog. We find it appalling that you would make the claims you do after having sat through classes at our august institution. We can only conclude that you either cheated your way through, have been hit with early onset dementia, or have been kidnapped by one or more irrational ideological
groups and brainwashed. In any case, we do not recognize your thought processes as at all related to the fine work of the professors who taught you.

You need to send back your diploma. Either that or stop expressing your opinions in public. We cannot afford to be associated with you.

If you would still like to boast of a degree from our college, you can contact our admissions office to schedule remedial education sessions. A cursory glance at your writings suggests that for you the sessions would probably require a commitment of 2 to 3 years.

You have until June 15 to return your diploma. At that time we plan to award it to a more deserving young mind, one we would be proud to have represent us. Please do not force us to resort to more public forums as we de-confer you degree.

Thank you for your understanding. We look forward to settling this peaceably.

I was afraid this would happen. Even worse? It is from the community college I attended.


Big Al said...

So *THAT's* where Dubya and his minions are up to . . . now running you community college.

Wait a minute, is it April Fools Day?

Big Al said...

Ron, after reading my recent blog comment, looks like I may need to join you in going back to school. My grammar is quite atrocious.

slouching mom said...

You funny.

Lifehiker said...

Ron, this has to be a hoax.

Nobody at a community college can write coherently anymore. All official communications now come via text message, which is also the preferred means for turning in your homework.