01 January 2013

Highlighting Overlooked Career Options: Department Store Santa

Millions of graduates will enter the job market in 2013. It will be the best market in years but still young adults are forced to choose with little information. In the hopes of making this important decision easier, I've decided to highlight career options, with particular emphasis on jobs that most young people are unlikely to consider. With that in mind, I've interviewed a department store Santa.

Me: What made you choose to become a department store Santa?

Department Store Santa: I had considered a number of options. My aptitude tests suggested that I would likely be good as a textile manufacturer, hedge fund manager, or department store Santa.

Me: And you choose Santa because?

DSS: I'm off 11 months of the year.

Me: Of course. And are you happy with your choice?

DSS: It's tougher than I thought but it also has some surprising benefits.

Me: Tough?

DSS: Well you don't have to conduct some fancy study to determine whether there is an obesity epidemic among our kids. You just have to ask a Santa. These kids are huge. By 10:30, I can't feel my legs.

Me: That is tough. Surprising benefits?

DSS: Kids are gullible. Plus they are sort of savvy about the economy. This year I got a huge boost to my income by telling them that because of budget cuts Santa could no longer afford to give gifts for free. They'd have to give me $5 for every request. That really added up.

Me: They believed you?

DSS: Believed me? Of course these kids believe in me. Although I had to tell some of the more skeptical kids that my workers weren't actually elves but were instead suffering from malnutrition because I could afford to pay them so little.

Me: Any tips about how to prepare for the job?

DSS: Eat what you want, whenever you want. Try not to exercise much. Don't bother to shave. And learn how to avoid specific promises: be vague so the kids' expectations are left fairly inarticulate. Basically, all the things that drove your old girlfriend crazy make you perfect for this job. More guys are qualified for this job than actually consider it. Oh, and do spend a little time on oral hygiene. Kids are terribly distracted by odors.

Me: Thank you for your time.

DSS: Of course. Now you'll get off my lap?

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