This is obviously a fictional exchange but everything inside of “quotation marks” is an actual quote.
George, Dick, and Donald are in the Oval Office, chatting with Tony Snow as he tries to get up to speed for his new job as White House Spokesman.
George is red in the face, coughing as Donald pounds him on his back. Dick walks up, singing, Peace time gives me a queasy feeling, to the Eagle’s tune “Peaceful, Easy Feeling.” He suddenly notices George’s condition.
Cheney: What’s going on here?
Rumsfeld: Oh, he choked on a pretzel. How are you, Dick?
Cheney: “Except for the occasional heart attack, I never felt better.”
George finally manages to dislodge the pretzel, now lying on the ground gasping for air as Dick and Donald continue to chat.
Rumsfeld: "It is unknowable how long that conflict [the war in Iraq] will last. It could last six days, six weeks. I doubt six months."
Cheney: "I think they're in the last throes, if you will, of the insurgency."
George sits up and asks for a drink.
Cheney: Why were you eating those pretzels without a drink, George?
Bush: "I'm … not very analytical. You know I don't spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things," George says as he reaches for another handful of pretzels, ignoring the water that Rumsfeld proffers.
At this point, Cheney introduces Tony Snow, suggesting that Snow will need to ask some questions in order to prepare for his job as the chief spokesman.
Snow: Do you have some idea about how you’re portrayed in the media, about how you’d like to change that?
Bush: "I glance at the headlines just to kind of get a flavor for what's moving. I rarely read the stories, and get briefed by people who are probably read the news themselves," George says as he looks outside at the trees. Tony Snow looks to Rumsfeld for help.
Rumsfeld: "I'm not into this detail stuff. I'm more concepty."
Snow: Well, people seem concerned about the resistance movement. Have you got an estimate for the number of insurgents working in Iraq?
Rumsfeld: "I am not going to give you a number for it because it's not my business to do intelligent work."
Snow: So, should we position you as having been tricked into Iraq by the intelligence community?
Bush: "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." Heh, heh. That’s from that British rock group, The Whom.
Snow looks pained: Don?
Rumsfeld: "Needless to say, the President is correct. Whatever it was he said."
Snow: So, what is the most important message you’d like to get out to the American people?
Bush: "The most important thing is for us to find Osama bin Laden. It is our number one priority and we will not rest until we find him."
Rumsfeld, folding his hands: "We do know of certain knowledge that he [Osama Bin Laden] is either in Afghanistan, or in some other country, or dead."
Tony Snow: You have certain knowledge of this? And you, Mr. President, where do you think he is?
Bush: "I don't know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don't care. It's not that important. It's not our priority," George says as he begins to play Nintendo.
Snow: So you’re saying that Iraq is now our focus? Why?
Bush: "The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself."
Snow: Terrorize himself? I don’t believe I heard you right.
Bush: "I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe — I believe what I believe is right."
Snow: Don, can you help me out here?
Rumsfeld, nodding: "I believe what I said yesterday. I don't know what I said, but I know what I think, and, well, I assume it's what I said."
Snow: Well, how should I talk to the American people about this war?
Bush: "I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace."
Rumsfeld, nodding sagely as he looks at himself in a hand mirror: "Death has a tendency to encourage a depressing view of war."
Snow: Well, can you explain why you said “Bring ‘em on” when the insurgent attacks in Iraq first started?
Bush: "I'm the commander — see, I don't need to explain — I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being president,” George said as he walked away from the Nintendo controller in search of more pretzels.
Snow: So, would it be fair to say that we’re doing more foreign policy negotiations now?
Bush: "This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating.”
Rumsfeld, shaking his head: "I don't do foreign policy."
Snow: So do you think that things are going well over there?
Rumsfeld: "Well, um, you know, something's neither good nor bad but thinking makes it so, I suppose, as Shakespeare said."
Bush: Heh, heh. Yeah, thinking makes it so. Heh, heh. Thinking is dangerous Rummy. That’s a good one. You’re so diplomatic, Don.
Rumsfeld: "I don't do diplomacy."
Bush: Heh, heh. Neither does Dick. He’s been awfully quiet over there. You shot any lawyers lately Dick? Eh? It ain’t duck huntin’ with you, Dick. It’s, Duck! Dick’s huntin’. Heh, heh.
Cheney: "Go f*ck yourself."
Snow: So, what message should we convey to the American people?
Bush: "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." And, "I trust God speaks through me. Without that, I couldn't do my job."
Rumsfeld: "I don't do quagmires," Donald said, continuing to write down his “don’t do” list. "I don't do predictions." "I don't do numbers."
Tony Snow slowly backs out of the room. George is back to playing Nintendo, humming Dick’s song, Peace Time Gives Me a Queasy Feeling.