20 February 2008

Fortune Cookies I Would Like to See

Tonight, for reasons too convoluted to explain, I ended up with three fortune cookies, wondering why every culture doesn’t have the equivalent. Why can’t there be fortune matzo balls, or fortune tacos or fortune naan? The idea is a great one but, sadly, artists in the medium too often resort to cliche, leaving its potential untapped. Here are some fortune cookies I’d like to see.

Check your zipper. The staff here is not normally this attentive – they are just curious. At least put a napkin in your lap.

Your house will be unexpectedly sold by your spouse who, you will soon learn, has a serious eBay addiction and needs the cash to buy civil war memorabilia they inexplicably feel compelled to collect.

You will be surprised to hear from an old classmate. As it turns out, they are contacting you for a reason: they are just this desperate to brag to someone about their latest promotion. You’ll feel badly but will pretend that you don’t.

Your friends do not find your story this riveting: they are fixated on the large piece of broccoli between your two front teeth.

Your date asked us to tell you to leave. Don’t make a fuss. Just go. She’ll get a cab.

My phone number is 317-555-xxxx. I’m the waiter with the tattoo and the earring. Call me. Soon.

Next time, chew with your mouth closed. It will make dining less stressful for everyone.

8 comments:

jen said...

once someone gave me a bag of X rated (alright, that X rating is stretching it) R rated cookies, i wish now i could remember the specifics but i can't. but i remember thinking it was very, very funny.

nunya said...

Were you listening to NPR today?

Fortune Cookie Chonicles

:)

ThomasLB said...

One I'd like to see: "That wasn't chicken."

LSD said...

How about this:

"Ron Davison, take surface streets home! There's a kid named Tad who will be driving a '78 Ford pick-up southbound on the 805, listening to Slipknot at full volume; if you are in front of him he will rear-end you."

If they can't do that, they ought to just call them 'platitude cookies.'

-In 'R World' things like this would be worked out.

Gypsy at Heart said...

Absurdly funny. You know, you might be onto something here. I'd bet you that if you started a company with these kinds of fortunes in their cookies, you'd make a killing. Now why hasn't anyone thought of that? - Fortune Cookies for an R kind of world. Quick! trademark it or something...

HRH said...

I would eat fortune tacos and fortune naan. You have serious untapped marketing potential.

Ron Davison said...

jen,
there does seem to be a great deal one can do with the medium.

nunya,
I have not listened to the radio this week - hotel wake up calls instead of NPR on the clock radio.


Thomas,
I love it.

Scott,
Electronic cookie messages. It could work - blue tooth fortune cookies. Perfect. In 1999 you could have gotten $1.3 billion in startup capital for that.

G@H,
One of my many flaws? Once I've had an idea, I lose interest in it.

hrh,
I'll see what I can cook up. :)

cce said...

If I'd eaten chinese before my most recent trip, perhaps my fortune would have read, "You will develop 2nd degree burns on your lips despite all the sunblock and hats and efforts to find shade. Those people over at FDA headquarters who develop drug side effect warnings are NOT joking around."
But instead, I ate a frozen burrito, no fortune found there, and now I am drinking my coffee from a straw.