20 February 2008

My Funeral Plans

Friday, my Valentine took me to CORTEO, Cirque du Soleil's traveling show. The opening line of the show is, "Last night I dreamt I saw my own funeral." It made me re-think my own funeral plans, although it did little to dissuade me of an idea that I’ve had for years.

I think it would be interesting to have a ventriloquist at my funeral. It is true that I deserve accolades - everyone does, particularly once one is dead. It's also true that I am not all that. So, my vague and fuzzy plan is to have someone deliver a wonderful and glowing eulogy while hosting a dummy (with a face like mine) on his knee - a dummy less reverent than the average funeral speaker and less inclined to spin my life in a positive direction.



Eulogy:
Ron was a kind man.

Dummy:
Well, he was particular kind of man. Not a particularly macho kind of man. But you know, to sort of balance things out, at least he was largely unaware and insensitive. Yep. He was a kind of man, alright. We’re still not sure just what kind.

Eulogy:
He looked out for his wife.

Dummy:
“Look out! It’s my wife!”

In the end, it could be one of the more revealing funerals. And, kids might enjoy it more than hearing hymns and “In My Life” played on the organ.

Oh, and for the record, these plans are still vague and fuzzy for a reason: I am not planning to attend my funeral until sometime in the latter part of this century. Of course, things don't always go as planned: should science boost longevity by a factor of two, I'm prepared to wait another century for the dummy to come out.

4 comments:

lsd said...

I once worked for an architect who claimed that he wanted an open casket, his body presented sitting bolt-upright and his head turned toward the attendees.

-Your idea is better. It won't give everyone nightmares, just those who are afraid of puppets.

Ron Davison said...

Scott,
You know, another possibility is just to have the eight ball audio option: people ask my corpse a question and responses vary: "things look positive," or "the future is before you."

Gypsy at Heart said...

This was VERY funny. Especially the adlibs. I like the idea of an irreverent funeral. I love the idea of not turning someone into something they weren't simply because they're gone. By all means, tell it like it was. As to you, may you live long and prosper but, I can't wait to see your dummy.

Ron Davison said...

G@H,
If I don't die, the dummy will have to get real job. He might do political commentary for Fox, but if he does, I'll report it here.