05 April 2008

Self-Spoofing News, Another in a Series

Trying to impress working class voters in Pennsylvania, Barack Obama bowled a 37. On a related note, trying to appeal to college-aged voters, McCain ran the 200 meter hurdles in just under an hour.

Ted Turner told Charlie Rose that global temperatures will rise about 8 degrees in another 30 to 40 years, depressing crop yields so much that it will trigger death by starvation and cannibalism. Fortunately, fast food places have been fattening up weaker members of the species in preparation for just this event.

Elliott Spitzer was forced to resign after it was revealed that he had had sex with a prostitute. David Paterson, who replaced him, announced the very day he was sworn in that he’d had numerous affairs. Spitzer’s opponents said that there is no truth in the rumors that Paterson’s indiscretions were acceptable whereas Spitzer’s were not simply because Paterson promises to be less aggressive in attacking corporate malfeasance. They said it is because Paterson is legally blind and, “did not actually know he was having sex with women other than his wife.”

After bailing out one company, Bear Stearns, with $29 billion, Congress will now give only about five times that much to the other 300+ million Americans. If your name is Bear or Stearns, you get $15 billion. If your name is Smith or Rodriguez, you get $1,500. Best of all? Given that the government does not actually have this money, they’re basically forcing a loan on households, a loan that Smith, Rodriguez, et al, will have to pay back in higher taxes along with the $29 billion loaned to Bear Stearns.

On net, Americans lost about 80,000 jobs last month – almost double the number lost in the first two months of 2008. Bush said not to worry – as part of the deal he made with Bear Stearns, they have promised to offer jobs to any laid off Americans. Asked about this deal, Bear Stearns clarified that the laid off Americans would have to first agree to move to India or China.

The Bush administration announced that it would not regulate tobacco products because it said that regulating these products would lead the public to believe that tobacco products are safe So, they are going to leave them unregulated, allowing Americans to freely use them. As with all other Bush policies, it is not clear whether anyone in the White House actually believes the story they’re telling. White House spokesperson Dana Perino said that this should be prove that, whatever Bush is smoking, it is not tobacco.


Gypsy at Heart said...

Laugh out loud funny. Clever. Too bad there is so much that can be made fun of about this administration, its players and the policies of our government. By the way, you could give a serious run for their money to David, Jon and Jay.

cce said...

I love when you do these send ups. I'm with Milena (though with stronger forearms), you really should have filled in during the writer's strike to help those poor late night talk show hosts. McCain running the 200 meter hurdle is something I'd pay very good money to see.

nunya said...

Thank you so much. I really needed a laugh. :)

Ron Davison said...

Yes, this administration does lend itself to ridicule. Making fun of George is as easy as slapping together two words into an oxymoron - like compassionate conservative.

actually, during the writer's strike I was performing each night at 11 down at the corner. Not once did any traffic stop, though. Maybe I should have bought advertising.

glad to provide a laugh and thanks again for stopping by.