The Canadian Invasion

Right now, American troops are stretched thin. Many are in their third rotation in Iraq. Now, Bush is saber rattling again, suggesting an attack on Iran. Iraq’s population is about 25 million; Iran’s population is about 70 million. It doesn’t take a Ph.D. in math to conclude that after attacking Iran, American troops will be stretched thinner than Yul Brenner’s hair.

It is at that moment that our northern neighbors are likely to attack. Sure, Canadians are polite. Or at least they appear that way. They patiently waited about 200 years for independence from Britain, a bloodless event handled with such deference that they left the queen's portrait on their money. Was that polite? Sure, but it was also crafty.

One can only speculate about how long they’ve been waiting for this opportunity to invade. It is well known that Canadians envy our balmy weather and broad freeways. They've been scouting our assets for decades, coming south in motor homes and in tour buses. Once our troops are committed to multiple countries in the Middle East, our own borders will be left vulnerable. It is at that moment that their troops will roll across our border unopposed.

I admit that I have no data to support this accusation, but reliance on data is so quaint. I do have a gut feeling. Those polite Canadians: sitting peacefully on our northern border for hundreds of years only to lull us into a sense of false security. How devious. How shameless. How brilliant.