Couples in Quarantine

She: "I'm going out for a few hours."

He, worried. "Please be safe."
She: "Don't worry. I have protection."
He: "Great."
The door closes. Suddenly it dawns on him that this could mean a couple of things. He does start to worry.

*****

"Please," she raised her hand. "Just ... please. I've had enough of people today."
"Had enough ..." he sputtered. "But I'm the only one here!"
"Exactly," she sighed.

*****

She, sounded exasperated: "We should start seeing other people."
He, alarmed: "What?!?!? You want an open marriage?"
She, disgusted: "What? No! I just literally mean that we should see other people. After 6 weeks I am so ready to spend the evening with someone - anyone - else."

***********

He was outraged. "He's recommending doctors experiment with disinfectant as a way to cleanse the body from this virus?"
"You can't really blame Trump for his confusion about medicine," she said.
"What?!?! He's an idiot."
"Well medicine is confusing for him," she calmly said. "He's had really confusing personal experiences with medicines. For instance, the only time he took Viagra, the only thing that happened was that he was a couple of inches taller for a little while."

***********

He had just stepped in the door and before he could take off his mask, she stopped him. "Leave your mask on," she instructed him as she grabbed his hand. "Speak to me in a French accent," she said as she led him into the bedroom. He mumbled something largely unintelligible in what might have been a French accent and her only response was to pull him closer.
By the end of quarantine, he was regularly uttering largely unintelligible nonsense in various accents, uncertain whether he should be hurt or flattered when she told him that she'd never so enjoyed their conversations.

***********

The first day they re-opened the beach, he saw something remarkable. She was wearing matching bikini and face mask. He couldn’t help but notice that the black material for each breast was the same size, shape, texture and color as her mask. He wondered if in the post-pandemic world women who had a boyfriend or husband would convert the his and her masks into a bikini top and the single women would simply convert their one mask into a monokini. A post-pandemic signal that one was single. Then he thought again. "Probably not what they meant when they said that things will never again return to normal."

***********

He, after a day of silence. "I can't take this anymore."
She: "I know. This quarantine is going on too long."
He: "No. I can't take being with you another week. We need to swap partners. Even if just for a week."
He braces himself, ready for tears, anger, accusations ... instead she calmly says, "Carl."
He: "What?"
She: "I've thought about it too. I would rather be with Carl."
He's offended, angry, confused .... but stands there mute. She goes back to reading. He wanders out of the room.
Neither of them speak of it again.

Bernard's Simple Advice on Marriage

Bernard is the only guy I know who still buys a No. 2 pencil. He never uses it to write. Instead, he uses it to twirl the bottom half of his bagel. "I don't need the carbs of a whole bagel," he explained one day. "Plus, I never liked the bottom half. I chew on them and I'm afraid I'm gonna lose a tooth."

This morning, I was pretending to read my paper while watching him twirl the bagel, idly wondering how one could ever describe the path it made in its mad wobble.

"People make marriage too complicated," Bernard volunteered.

"It is too complicated," I replied.

"No," Bernard said as he stared at the wall behind me, his bagel at rest. "Marriage is very straightforward: you find an adorable woman and then you adore her."

"That simple, eh?"

"That simple and that hard."

"So how do you find an adorable woman?" I ask, curious as to whether he had more.

"They're all adorable, you twit."

"All?"

"Of course. You just have to pay attention to the details of a woman to see that. Crowds and mobs are shaped by gross generalities. Women are shaped by fine details. Just pay attention."

"Well, if they're all adorable, how do you make marriage work? How do you adore just one woman?"

"Ah. Two mistakes men make. One is to try not to adore other women. This will only confuse your heart."

"Well, Bernard, it sounds to me like it would confuse a marriage pretty badly if you actually tried to adore other women."

"What? You're going to turn yourself off from half of humanity? That's good for your heart? That kind of stragegy will just make you repressed and boring. But you didn't ask about the second mistake."

"What's the second mistake?"

"Not taking out all this adoration on your wife. You hold her responsible for all that's adorable in women."

"That's it?" I asked. "That's all you're going to explain about it?"

"What?" Bernard bristled. "You want stock tips too?" He began again to twirl his bagel. "This is enough. Take this to heart and it'll keep you busy for decades."

As it turns out, Bernard is a romantic. It suddenly occurred to me the path his wobbling bagel followed was that of a heart.

Valentine's Day - Laughing at Love

It’s February, the month designed to make one acutely aware of romantic deficiencies in the same way that December is designed to make one aware of financial lack. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Predicated as it is on the oddly amusing notion that romantic love can be scheduled, like an oil change, its popularity is remarkable. But, to paraphrase the comedienne Cathy Ladman, “Love is difficult. Love is like a 5,000 piece jigsaw puzzle - all sky.” Love needs all the help it can get.

Just as Christmas can create an overhang of financial regret, so, too, can Valentine’s Day create an overhang of personal regret for those succumbing to the social pressure to mark this occasion out of a sense of obligation, a similar flurry of unwrapping, ill-disguised disappointment, and months of paying for a gift given and quickly regretted. A cynic might say that we rush into relationships as a way to distract ourselves from the fact that we're always alone with our thoughts. I might be that cynic.

But how many presents would actually be given if not for Christmas and birthdays? What if it does take a sense of social panic to prompt us to express what we ought to spontaneously and rather compulsively express without prompting? Perhaps the key is to take love more seriously than you take yourself - or even your lover. In that spirit, here is some delightful humor, excerpted from Joke Soup, with love from R World.

ABC News says Americans spend $300 billion every year on games of chance, and that doesn’t include weddings and elections.
- Argus Hamilton

My wife insists on turning off the lights when we make love. That doesn’t bother me. It’s the hiding that seems so cruel.
- Jonathan Katz

Dating in your twenties is like getting a science project. “What did you get? I got an alcoholic; I’m going to change him!”
- Carline Rhea

I’ve been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog.
- Wendy Liebman

Breaking up. It happens kind of suddenly. One minute you’re holding hands walking down the street – and the next minute you’re lying on the floor crying and all the good CDs are missing.
- Kennedy Kasares

I’m still going on bad dates, when by now I should be in a bad marriage.
- Laura Kightlinger

Men date thin girls because they’re too weak to argue and salads are cheap.
- Jennifer Fairbanks

I’m dating a guy who’s twenty-one. That’s seven in boy years.
- Lisa Goich

Remember, we’re all in this alone.
- Lily Tomlin