Airlines Do Their Bit to Fight Obesity

The seats are small - at least for Americans which, as near as I can tell are their target market. They no longer serve meals. And now, my dear wife tells me, the Airlines are planning to make the seats smaller still.

I can only conclude that the airlines have decided to do their bit to promote fitness. And of course, if they can lower the average weight of American passengers by even 5%, that has to translate into fuel savings enough that they might even turn a profit. As much as I resent their methods, I have to admit to grudging admiration.

Maybe if they set up pedals that we could use to generate electricity for fans and lights they could accelerate this process.

Panic on Planes

My own theory is that airlines have no serious chance of ending the cycle of bankruptcy as long as flight attendants continue to act surprised that people on board might pay them with a $20 rather than exact change. Watching the alarm in the eye of one this week, I was reminded of the quip about what must run through the mind of a goldfish every 10 seconds as it circles its bowl: "oh look! a castle! [10 seconds later] oh look! a castle!" But for flight attendants it is not circling the fish bowl but, rather, moving from row to row. "Oh no! A $20! [2 minutes later] Oh no! A $20!" This surprise seems to me a clue that management and personnel have no idea that this is actually a business they are running. Imagine being in WalMart and hearing a panicked cashier ask over the PA, "Has anyone got change for a $20?"

Bored with flying, on this last flight home I did engage the woman beside me in animated conversation. In response to all of her questions, I responded loudly, with a heavy, incomprehensible accent, sprinkling just a few perceptible words in the mix. I'd prattle on for a bit and then sit there with an expectant look, waiting for her to reply. As it turns out, she did not ask too many questions. This was a pity, really, because I was just getting the hang of the accent when she gave up.

My favorite moment on the flight this week was when a little guy - just under 3 - was walking to the front of the plane with his dad when he suddenly realized that we were in a contained space. "We're trapped!" he exclaimed, hands out stretched. Of course, my brief moment of amusement at his sudden revelation quickly gave way to panic when I realized he was right. Trapped at 30,000 feet.

As near as I can tell, airport security isn't doing much to make anyone feel more secure.

Random Observations on the Pope and Other Oddities

One can easily tell who the head of the Catholic Church is. The Pope has the tallest hat. I like the idea of using such a simple signal to indicate who is in charge and think that all organizations – from pre-schools to corporations and nation-states - should use the “taller the hat, the more authority” system.

I was in the gym and did not hear the commentary, but CNN showed nuns giving the pope a standing ovation. Is that really newsworthy? Nuns clapping for the pope?

I heard that when the pope finished his speech the other day, Bush leaned forward and whispered to him, “Awesome speech.” Future historians are likely to conclude that democracies were doomed when we made a man who is basically a 10th grader the head of the free world. “Awesome speech?” Really?

I was down by the beach the other day and a couple of beach bums were walking down the side walk in classic attire: flip flops, shorts, and Hawaiian shirts. The scrawniest of the two, though, had recklessly embellished his outfit, inexplicably donning boxing gloves at some point in his day. A third guy caught up with him and exclaims, “Are you wearing boxing gloves?!” At last, I think. Someone will call him on the obvious absurdity of this. “Yeah,” the guy smiles. “Awesome!” said the third beach bum, his tone conveying nothing but admiration. I looked down the street for George W., wondering if he knew that his buddies were enjoying this beautiful spring day without him.

Last week, airlines stranded about 3.7 million travelers. (Okay, perhaps I exaggerate, but does the actual number really matter?) And yet they persist in scheduling flights for 8:07 PM arrivals, even as they miss scheduled times by a matter of days. There ought to be a rule: an airline has to be exactly on time on at least two consecutive days before they can pretend to be so accurate. Meanwhile, why not just say, “We’ll arrive sometime after 8 PM. We hope.”

Critics have decided that Obama is elitist. He is one of three remaining people who is likely to become our next president. Is “elitist” an accusation or a statement of fact?

A salesman from Provo, Utah is suing his former employer for waterboarding during a team building exercise. “You saw how hard Chad fought for air,” the boss allegedly announced. “I want you to go back inside and fight that hard to make sales.” One can only speculate that when Cheney heard about this new trend towards the trivialization of torture, he said, “Awesome.”

Airport Security Made Simple

As a frequent flyer, I spend too much time in airport security lines. I've put time in line to good use and thought up a simple solution for the problems of having to repeatedly show ID: wear a simple t-shirt that has an arrow pointing up to my face and just below it text that says, "Yep, it's me."