R World is (Temporarily?) Closed

I'll be taking a break from the blog for awhile.

My Funeral Plans

Friday, my Valentine took me to CORTEO, Cirque du Soleil's traveling show. The opening line of the show is, "Last night I dreamt I saw my own funeral." It made me re-think my own funeral plans, although it did little to dissuade me of an idea that I’ve had for years.

I think it would be interesting to have a ventriloquist at my funeral. It is true that I deserve accolades - everyone does, particularly once one is dead. It's also true that I am not all that. So, my vague and fuzzy plan is to have someone deliver a wonderful and glowing eulogy while hosting a dummy (with a face like mine) on his knee - a dummy less reverent than the average funeral speaker and less inclined to spin my life in a positive direction.

Eulogy:
Ron was a kind man.

Dummy:
Well, he was particular kind of man. Not a particularly macho kind of man. But you know, to sort of balance things out, at least he was largely unaware and insensitive. Yep. He was a kind of man, alright. We’re still not sure just what kind.

Eulogy:
He looked out for his wife.

Dummy:
“Look out! It’s my wife!”

In the end, it could be one of the more revealing funerals. And, kids might enjoy it more than hearing hymns and “In My Life” played on the organ.

Oh, and for the record, these plans are still vague and fuzzy for a reason: I am not planning to attend my funeral until sometime in the latter part of this century. Of course, things don't always go as planned: should science boost longevity by a factor of two, I'm prepared to wait another century for the dummy to come out.

The Ultimate Surprise Birthday Party

One of the problems with surprise birthday parties is that they are, at some level, not really surprises. After all, the target of the surprise is usually unsurprised to learn that it is his or her birthday.

There is no reason to just celebrate on birthdays. Neil Young, whose career was made by the LP, threw a huge bash on his 33 1/3 birthday. So, here's a suggestion for a surprise birthday party that will really surprise.

Rather than make it fall on their birthday, consider throwing a 10k or 20k party - blindsiding them with a celebration after they've been alive for 10,000 or 20,000 days. For instance, a person born 25 September 1980 is 10,000 days old on 11 February 2008 - a date that, on the surface, shows so little correlation to one's "birthday" so as to nearly guarantee a surprise. If you were born on 9 May 1953, you'll be 20,000, again a day far off from February. If you know someone who is 27+ or 54+ or 68+, you ought to do a quick excel spreadsheet calculation to determine whether you've got a great excuse for a surprise birthday party.

Arm Wrestling with Calculus

Using the military to work out a political situation in Iraq is like arm wrestling one's way though a calculus problem.


Cartoon by B. Kliban