The Turds in Northern Iraq

Bernard once again felt obligated to dine with his sister Mattie and to bring me along as a buffer. Bernard intentionally chose a place with a confusing menu. "She gets so distracted by the foods she doesn't know, she sometimes forgets all about sharing her political opinions with me," he said. His subterfuge worked - but only for awhile.

“Of course there are problems in Iraq. It’s all because of those Turds in the north,” she abruptly announced, folding her hands as if this settled the matter.

“Is she talking about the Shiites?" I whispered to Bernard, feeling confused.

"No. I think she's confusing the Turks and Kurds," he whispered back. "Who?" Bernard asked Mattie.

“I’m sure I heard Bush say it was the Turds in Northern Iraq who were intentionally de-stabil-i-tating the country.”

“Hm," mused Bernard. "I doubt that it’s the Turds.”

“Well, I don’t know who they are," Mattie tossed her head. "But they’re probably the same people working in those Slurpee stores. They always have those foreigners with thick accents behind the counter and I know they’re just here to spy on us. I don't like them. I mean, if they didn’t have bad intentions, why else would they call them 9-11 stores?”

“I think they are called 7-11 stores, named after their store hours,” Bernard sighed.

For a moment, Mattie paused, looking confused. Then she shook her head. “That can’t be right. They’re open 24 hours.”

"So, you think that they're terrorist?" I asked.

"Of course."

"Well," I turned to Bernard. "That does sort of make sense. Heart disease is the number one killer and those stores don't exactly sell fresh vegetables."

Suddenly, Mattie smiled, "Oh look - it's my gypsy sandwich."

"Who had the gyro?" asked our waiter as he stepped up to the table.