On Conversation

I was recently with a friend who left me dismayed. He's become the guy whose opinions are not opinions but are, instead, "the way things are." This dismayed me because such an approach takes all the joy out of every conversation and because it was a reminder of how easily I could become (could be?) that guy. I have very strong opinions.

But it seems to me that the best conversations are the ones that don't smack down possibility before it's even out of the womb. Instead, conversations that play with possibility, coddle it, and explore it are best. This means that a person can talk without being defensive. (I do think that there is something expansive about good conversations. They don't make us hunker down but instead draw us out to dance.) This means that a person gets to discover for himself or herself what is or is not workable in this possibility. And finally, in the end, it clarifies the real purpose of a conversation. Conversation is not about the battle of ideas or an exchange of information: conversation is about, not just getting to uncover ourselves but getting to discover ourselves. A good conversation leaves you vulnerable at times. It is as much about confessing what you don't know as what you do. It is not about alternating monologues but instead about co-creating a dialogue. This means cooperation, not competition.

Next time you are in a conversation, try the following. When someone mentions something that you disagree with, play with it. Listen to them. Ask them questions that get them to explore the consequences of what they're saying, rather than having you point this out. Not only do they get to understand themselves better, but you, too, might come to understand them. And if there is anything that we all want, it is to be heard and understood.

Finally, I'll try not to be the guy who "knows." My own conclusion about life is that it is easiest to be arrogant when you've not really tried anything. If you are sincere about trying to accomplish something that matters, you'll inevitably be humbled by life ... and if you are honest about it, this will leave you open to hear what someone else might know that could be a help to you becoming who it is that you're becoming.

NO LIE! Joe Wilson is my new hero

"You lie!" Joe Wilson hollered out in the middle of Barack Obama's address to Congress. Talk of racism quickly emerged. People who hate Obama or were frightened by the thought that everyone might get health care all ran to Joe's defense. But even the Republican Party elders rebuked Joe, who then called Obama to apologize.

I hope that Joe's outburst is a harbinger of things to come. I say this for two reasons: one, presidents need to be treated more like regular people and it is time for some face to face debate.

I thought that President Clinton was great, thought President Bush was awful, and am hopeful for President Obama. But one thing they all had in common was this incredible swagger once they'd been in office for any length of time. It's hard to remember that you're just a guy when you are the leader of the free world. But Clinton screwed up (and I don't just mean with Monica), Obama is stumbling and Bush had his moments when he did the right thing. Nobody is the simple label we affix and it does no one any good to sustain the odd tendency towards deification or vilification. (After World War II, more than half of the Japanese thought that their Emperor was descended from God, or gods. An even higher percentage of Brits thought the same thing about their queen. Think we're smarter than that? The painting in the Capitol dome is of George Washington transforming into a god, titled The Apotheosis of Washington. Some part of the reptilian brain loves to deify victims and heroes. It might be the same part of the brain that loves parades.) I loved that Joe Wilson basically said, "Look, you might be president but that doesn't mean we have to applaud every inane thing you say."

And that brings me to my next point. A president makes a statement to Congress and he gets applauded throughout. Even for the most gratuitous comments. And then once the speech is over, the Republicans group over in one corner, the Democrats in another, (and Independent Bernie Sanders, presumably, goes off to play solitaire on his computer) and they reinforce the views they came in with. What's lost is the opportunity for real dialogue, for exploring alternate views while sitting face to face with each other.

After Joe Wilson's little outburst, some commentators said, "It was like British Parliament." Well, other than the wigs, I think that the spirited debate in Parliament would be the one thing that I would most want to import from Britain. Done right, spirited discussion can actually bring people together. It is one thing to disagree. It is something else entirely to not even understand or hear others.

Sadly, Joe Wilson's little outburst didn't further the idea of debate between opposing worldviews. Rather, it just led to more firmly defined lines of battle. I'm just a lowly blogger, Joe, but let me say, from the other side of the debate, that I like what you tried to do.

Changing the National Conversation

My buddy Bill often talks about the need for a new conversation in this country, one that transcends the irrelevant banter that substitutes for political discourse in the popular media. It seems to me that the hope for such a conversation lies in this: we begin asking questions that matter instead of offering answers that don't.