The Trip to the Therapist Took an Unexpected Turn Today

in which your humble blogger feels compelled to opine on the day's sex scandal

Apparently, Bush and Clinton are every kind of thrilled to see David Letterman is in trouble, but the two have very different responses. George wants to do some stand up at Dave's expense but aids are trying to convince him that he'll need something more than the one line he's come up with so far. ("Ha! He's so stupid!")

Clinton, by contrast, is trying to use this as an opportunity for healing. He called Dave and told him, "I feel your compulsion."

As it turns out, Jerry Springer was the future of television, but without shame. And that is an important lesson for would-be blackmailers everywhere: only threaten those with a sense of guilt. If you can find them.

Dave makes a good living mocking the sex lives of others. All HR and publicity issues aside, it'll be interesting to see whether becoming the butt of sex jokes will throw him off his game. [Note that the phrase "becoming the butt of sex jokes" sounds dirtier than it actually is. I think.] It has to seem like a trip through the looking glass to have gone from delivering punch lines to being one. "Confucius say, People living in glass houses should turn out the lights before having sex with interns."

But it would seem optimistic to extort $2 million from an unmarried guy who has had sex. You might be able to extort $2 million from an unmarried guy who has not had sex, but only if he thought he had no other alternatives for it.

I just know that if I ever have an awkward confession to make, I'd like to do it before an audience all giggly with laughing gas and the novelty of being on TV.

Watch Dave here.

Clues that You May Be in the Midwest

I'm flying home yesterday, connecting through Kansas City, MO. A man and woman about my age are sitting next to me, talking for most of the 2-hour flight. He's found an audience and is sharing whatever stories he thinks might impress her, detailing money he's spent on things like his kids education and Caribbean vacations. Towards the end of the flight, an apparent feeling of intimacy allows him to share his feelings about politics. After talking about his disdain for all things San Francisco, he supports his point by sharing his hatred of Nancy Pelosi. "I was watching her on the TV the other night and I just said, 'This country would be so much better if someone shot her.'" And I'm guessing that he'd advertise himself as a law and order type, in spite of the obvious comfort he seems to take from this alternative to democracy.

Then, as I'm actually in the Kansas City airport, I overhear a man walking by. Once again, a man who seems to think that his views on politics will somehow please the women he's with.
"They said that when an African-American became president, that would be the day that pigs would fly. Well, swine flu."

Mitch Hedberg

Because my son loves Hedberg and because it's Friday. Enjoy.

Now That's Funny (A Post In Which Your Blog Author Shares Some of His Favorite Jokes)

"Trying to define humor is one of the definitions of humor."

In spite of this warning from Saul Steinberg, we continue to collect, tell, and analyze jokes. I remember when my kids were about 5 or 6 and intent on decoding the comics. A good joke depends on springing a mouse trap that has been intricately and thoughtlessly set by decades of social convention, released in a single punchline. Explaining these social Rube Goldberg contraptions is guaranteed to eventually drain the humor from any joke or cartoon. Imagine explaining why you are laughing at this cartoon about Doris's husband to a five year old.


Back in the 90s, Esquire reported that the funniest joke of all time was this, from Gary Shandling:

I went to my doctor and told him, "My penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it."

More recently, Richard Wiseman headed up a project to use the Internet to discover the world's funniest joke at LaughLab. In spite of Dave Barry's attempt to undermine Wiseman's attempt by having his readers submit and vote for a flurry of jokes that all ended with the line, "A weasel is chomping on his privates!" this joke took top honors:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

I have to admit, though, that my personal favorite from LaughLab is the one that scored highest in Belgium:

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:
“Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

Now, Dave TV just published the results of their commissioned research to identify the world's ten oldest jokes. The oldest is reportedly a fart joke, although I would surmise that the oldest joke probably involved actual farting and no spoken words. My favorite in this list of oldest jokes is Homer's, from 800 BC.

Odysseus tells the Cyclops that his real name is nobody. When Odysseus instructs his men to attack the Cyclops, the Cyclops shouts: "Help, nobody is attacking me!" No one comes to help.

Reportedly, one of George H. Bush's favorite jokes is this bit of ingenious word play:

How do you titillate an ocelot?
You oscillate its tits a lot.

Given his father's penchant for such jokes, it is perhaps no wonder that George W. has struggled with the English language since childhood. When asked about his favorite children's book, George W. named the Hungry Caterpillar, a book that was published when George was in his 20s.

And speaking of George, my father, who voted twice for George, told me a blonde joke about 5 years ago. It took me about a minute to realize that it worked much better as a Bush joke and I adapted it, emailed to a couple of dozen friends, and then, about a year later, received it in an email. It seemed an odd victory that the joke had surived so long in forwarded emails. I didn't make it up, but I did make it about George, something that gave me a sense of satisfaction.

Rumsfeld is briefing George on the situation in Iraq. Almost casually, Rumsfeld says, "And two Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday in Fallujah."
George lets out a gasp, and then drops his head into his hands. He moans. The cabinet looks on silently, feeling awkward about this unusual display of emotion and grief. Finally, looking stunned, George lifts his head and asks, "How many is a Brazilian?"

My wife insists on turning off the lights when we make love. That doesn’t bother me. It’s the hiding that seems so cruel.

Quips like the above from Jonathan Katz are hard to beat, but I do have a weakness for jokes that unfold like small stories, like this:

A young man enters the monastery and is given the job of transcribing scriptures. A few days into his job of copying from a book he asks, “Am I copying from an original?”

“No,” says one of the older monks.

“So, I’m copying from a copy?”

“Probably a copy of a copy of a copy,” he is told. “We leave the originals in a safe place. We don’t use them.”

“Well, has anyone ever compared what we’re doing with the originals?” asks the young monk. “I mean, what if someone made an error that we’re copying again and again?”

All the older monks look at each other, uncertain about how to respond. Finally, they decide to take his question to the head of the monastery, a wise old man who has spent his whole life in the monastery. He hears the question and responds, “That’s a great question. I’ll compare our most recent copies with the originals we have.”

For days he goes back into the secure portion of the monastery to take on this task. About the fourth day, the monks hear him let out with a cry of anguish. They look nervously at each other, uncertain about what to do. The crying becomes louder and goes on for some time. Finally, they decide that they have to go back into the sanctuary to check on the elderly monk. They find him with the original before him, sobbing.

“What is it?” they ask.

“The word,” he sobs, “the word is ‘celebrate.’”

Finally, jokes can themselves become fodder for jokes. I'll leave you with this.

A traveling salesmen was driving in the country when his car broke down. He hiked several miles to a farmhouse, and asked the farmer if there was a place he could stay overnight. “Sure,” said the farmer, “my wife died several years ago, and my two daughters are twenty-one and twenty-three, but they’re off to college, and I’m all by myself, so I have lots of room to put you up.”
Hearing this, the salesman turned around and started walking back toward the highway.
The farmer called after him, “Did you hear what I said? I have lots of room.”
“I heard you,” said the salesman, “but I think I’m in the wrong joke.”

Have You Heard the One About?

I have a new vice - reading the Overhead in ... blogs. Brilliant. It is like found comedy - or is that commentary? Here are some of my favorites from just the last couple of days, all reportedly just snippets of conversation overheard in public places.

Overheard on the Beach

THE BLONDE LEADING THE BLONDE

Girl #1: I'm glad we aren't having earthquakes here like back in Cali.
Girl #2: It would suck coming over to Maui and then having an earthquake here.
Girl #1: Hey, can you feel an earthquake in a plane?
Girl #2: Um...

--Kihei, Maui, Hawaii
*******

Girl #1, whispering: Oh my god, I'm choking on this macaroni.
Girl 2: Then how are you talking?
Girl 1: The macaroni is stuck in my throat straight up, and I'm breathing through the hole in the noodle.
Girl 2: Ohhh, that makes sense.

--Virginia Beach, Virginia
**********

ENERGY POLICY

Man in skirt to bald woman: Seriously... Marijuana-fueled cars. It'd be great! Everyone would be high, and we'd have clean air!

--Avon, New Jersey
**************

Overheard in New York


RELATIONSHIPS

Dude: I'm needy and you do stuff for me. That's how our relationship works.

--2nd Ave. & St. Mark's Place
**************

Boyfriend: Listen, you're dissatisfied with me, and I'm dissatisfied with me. We have something in common! I think this relationship can work.

--32nd & 6th
*************


NYU freshman girl: I have a boyfriend -- I don't need a social life.

--Starbucks
*************

Old bitter woman to husband: I don't understand sex.

--72nd & 2nd
**********

PARENTING

Father to three-year-old son: The ruler of the universe says to stop chattering.

--7th Ave, Park Slope
************

Mother to chatty child: Don't you have your pacifier? So pacify!

--Kingsborough Community College, Brooklyn
**********

RACE

Southern lady looking at surfers in wetsuits: I never knew there were so many negro surfers!

--El Granada, California
***********

Black woman to tanning salon flyer guy soliciting her: Nigga, you be blind!

--W 4th St & 6th Ave
************

Sports editor: We need more magical black men.

--Columbia Spectator office
***********

HOW TO TELL IF IT WAS A GOOD PARTY

Blonde: So, I woke up and Jessica's underwear was still on my head...

--P.S. 1, Queens
***********

TRAVEL

Pilot: Like any pilot, I like to hear myself talk... All you're hearing now is 'Blah, blah, blah.'

--Delta flight, JFK
************

Stewardess, sounding surprised during landing: Great job, honey.

--JFK
****************

POLITICS AND INTERNATIONAL RELATIONSHIPS

Little girl: Is George Bush a Republican or a Dominican?

--Times Square
***********

Hobo to another: So, I hear you're an international spy now.

--Washington Square Park
**********

40-something tourist to her daughter: All the homeless may be Democrats, but not all Democrats are homeless.

--Canal & Broadway

Introducing the book - early tech support

Valentine's Day - Laughing at Love

It’s February, the month designed to make one acutely aware of romantic deficiencies in the same way that December is designed to make one aware of financial lack. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Predicated as it is on the oddly amusing notion that romantic love can be scheduled, like an oil change, its popularity is remarkable. But, to paraphrase the comedienne Cathy Ladman, “Love is difficult. Love is like a 5,000 piece jigsaw puzzle - all sky.” Love needs all the help it can get.

Just as Christmas can create an overhang of financial regret, so, too, can Valentine’s Day create an overhang of personal regret for those succumbing to the social pressure to mark this occasion out of a sense of obligation, a similar flurry of unwrapping, ill-disguised disappointment, and months of paying for a gift given and quickly regretted. A cynic might say that we rush into relationships as a way to distract ourselves from the fact that we're always alone with our thoughts. I might be that cynic.

But how many presents would actually be given if not for Christmas and birthdays? What if it does take a sense of social panic to prompt us to express what we ought to spontaneously and rather compulsively express without prompting? Perhaps the key is to take love more seriously than you take yourself - or even your lover. In that spirit, here is some delightful humor, excerpted from Joke Soup, with love from R World.

ABC News says Americans spend $300 billion every year on games of chance, and that doesn’t include weddings and elections.
- Argus Hamilton

My wife insists on turning off the lights when we make love. That doesn’t bother me. It’s the hiding that seems so cruel.
- Jonathan Katz

Dating in your twenties is like getting a science project. “What did you get? I got an alcoholic; I’m going to change him!”
- Carline Rhea

I’ve been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog.
- Wendy Liebman

Breaking up. It happens kind of suddenly. One minute you’re holding hands walking down the street – and the next minute you’re lying on the floor crying and all the good CDs are missing.
- Kennedy Kasares

I’m still going on bad dates, when by now I should be in a bad marriage.
- Laura Kightlinger

Men date thin girls because they’re too weak to argue and salads are cheap.
- Jennifer Fairbanks

I’m dating a guy who’s twenty-one. That’s seven in boy years.
- Lisa Goich

Remember, we’re all in this alone.
- Lily Tomlin

GIIGLE

It's time for a new search engine, one that could counter the dire news that constantly dribbles into our consciousness during this Information Age. We live in a time of rampant paranoia. The list of terrors seems to be typed in larger and larger fonts - atheists, evangelists, Muslims, child pornographers, global warming, globalization, hidden credit card fees ... Our nerves are on edge.

Into this milieu of paranoia it is time to interject some levity. I propose a new search engine, one that returns humorous, cartoonish, or just downright silly material in response to any search. One of the supposedly popular uses of GOOGLE is to enter items found in the refrigerator along with the word, "recipe" and find ways to turn, say, jello, pork, and cabbage into a tasty meal for two. GIIGLE would offer a similar feature, allowing you to put terms like, "rabbi, priest, and cabbage," into the search box and it would return jokes about same. Imagine that you have to give a speech before a group of bored 8th graders on the topic of textiles - you could enter "puberty, clothing, and bored," into the search engine and find a list of opening jokes sure to get the attention of students and teacher alike.

I don't pretend that constructing such a search engine would be easy, but neither was putting a man on the moon or building the Great Pyramids. There is no reason that one of our 2008 presidential hopefuls couldn’t propose to fund such a tool as a way to become distinct from the rest of the pack. If someone already had, I could finish this posting with a snappy joke. Just enter, " distinguished 'presidential hopeful' 'budget proposal,' and cabbage," and I would have my choice of dozens of closing jokes.

The GIIGLE project would have countless unintended benefits. Humor is one product that can be produced without contributing to greenhouse gases. Humor is the only weapon proven to distract and even defuse suicide bombers and terrorists. And humor unites people of every faith – farts are funny in any culture.

The GIIGLE project. It’s an idea whose time has come.