Top Ten Things I'd Like to Hear in Tonight's Debate

1. Asked about why he’s running, candidate pleads the fifth under advice from his attorney.
2. Obama admits that it’s been years since he’s debated and he can’t remember if he gets to poll the audience on tough questions or phone a friend.
3. Romney, unable to control himself, says, “Ask me about job creation. Please. I’ve got a great zinger for that one.”
4. A candidate opens with “My opponent wants to slash Medicare!” When his opponent protests, the candidate crosses Medicare off of his list and then announces, “My opponent wants to slash spending on Social Security.” When the opponent protests again, the candidate crosses social security off the list, and announces, “My opponent wants to slash defense spending!” When the opponents again protests, the candidate crosses defense off the list and shouts, “My opponent wants to raise taxes!” And so on, until he announces, “My opponent wants to dramatically increase the deficit!” When the opponent protests that, the candidate announces, “My opponent is utterly mystified by arithmetic!”
5. The two candidates tell a story about the same guy, Jerome from Flint, MI. They get into a bitter squabble about whose symbolic voter he is until one of the candidates looks down at his notes and says, “Oh! Wait. Jeremy. My guy is Jeremy. Never mind.”
6. One candidate turns to the other and says, “You believe in deregulation, right? Let’s jettison these two-minute response limits and just talk about the issues past the point of sound bites and meaningless platitudes.” When his opponent panics and begins to bluster, the candidate says, "Just kidding!" They laugh and then resume quoting sound bites from their campaign in response to every question.
7. A candidate texts in the middle of the other’s response, the one historic first for the evening.
8. "Oops!"
9. Moderator asks the incredibly awkward question, “What is it you find most attractive about your opponent’s wife?” Even more awkwardly, the candidates answer.
10. Clint Eastwood dramatically appears to close the debate with last question. “You want me to tell your opponent to do what to himself?” It gets even more awkward as the candidates once again answer.